Thinking Strategies to Change By

Changing Focus

When it comes to recovery, there are only two ways of thinking: either you think about gambling, or you think other than gambling (recovery).

Find other interesting things you can put your focus on, such as recovery, family, leisures, sports, and hobbies.

I Become What I Think

Be more aware of what you are thinking about. A person can easily talk themselves into things. For example: if you think about depressing things you will more than likely become depressed. Likewise, the longer you think about doing some gambling the more likely you will gamble (relapse).

"I become what I think" is a human characteristic related to survival and evolution. It is innate and unavoidable. So the idea is to direct your attention to other than gambling. Scheme towards recovery, not towards gambling.

Self Awareness

A very important recovery technique is to write out a list of negative consequences of your gambling, a list of warning signs that may lead you to problem gambling, and a list of likes and dislikes.

The following work sheets will help you to be more aware of yourself, in terms of what you need to change:

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• nrgs_worksheet_02.rtf 715 Kb
• nrgs_worksheet_03.rtf 619 Kb
• Adobe PDF Reader required, download it here...

Overcoming Resentments

The emotion, Resentment, has a unique quality of being used as a justification to relapse into problem gambling. Behind every relapse is a resentment of some kind. Overcoming resentments, is one of the most important strategy to use against relapsing into problem gambling. That is why it has a special mention here.

Resentment is a form of anger. Smoldering ill-will. It is the dwelling on the wrongs supposedly done to us. Most resentments remain fixed at a purely personal level. That is: "What people have done to ME", or "What is not going MY way".

When Am I Resentful?

  Being uncomfortable in any way.
  When something is not going the way you want it to go.
  When you are against others.
  Wanting to hurt others, and/or, self.
  Wanting revenge.
  Closed off about the other(s) which leads to distraction, isolation, defiance, and rebellion.
  Defensiveness - usually by blaming others.
  Feeling threatened by others - threatened-self.
  Me that has been wronged - leading to self pity.
  Loss of control, becoming over willful - in thought/action (self-will-run-riot).

What Causes Resentment?

People generally suppose they have real cause to feel resentful. But the resentment we feel is by no means proportional to its alleged cause. This is because we compare our lives with an impossible ideal, or with others who are better of than we are (envy).

Some causes:

  "When things are not going MY way". Being hurt, offended, or humiliated.
  Envy/Jealousy. Being snubbed or ignored.
  Being found out. Wounded vanity (pique).
  Delays in my gratification. Guilt trips - emotional blackmail.

Examples of some Gambling Resentments, I RESENT:

  having a gambling problem. That I have lost control.
  that gambling deludes me. Not being able to beat the odds.
  failing to gamble within limits - and having to gamble within limits.
  getting stuck when I should move. Unable to stop once I start.
  losing and/or getting into debt.
  feeling like a loser - a hopeless gambler.
  winning because I am compelled to gamble further.
  that others don’t understand my problem (because I don’t understand it myself).
  that I like gambling but gambling doesn’t like me.
  having to change myself to overcome my gambling problem.
  having a history of negative gambling consequences.

Steps to Overcoming Resentments

1. Know Your Resentments

List your current top ten resentments - see Work sheet 4: My top ten resentments

• nrgs_worksheet_04.rtf 6 Kb
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Ask yourself: " What is not going MY way "? The motto here is to "keep it simple" - simple in content and meaning. Stay Honest, Open-minded, and Willing.

2. Acceptance

With regard to things not going YOUR way, is your way the right/best way? Do you have the right to expect things to go the way you want them to go?

Let go of judgement. Stop yourself from blaming. Be an observer of what is.

How important is it? Is it all worth it?

Open your mind to other than your old ideas and attitudes. Look at the whole picture from different points of view. Listen to your inner ‘common sense’ voice. [Learn to listen, listen to learn] Identify a part of yourself in your resentment, example: in the person you resent. Look for similarities, not the differences. Accept your part in the resentment. If you didn’t have a part in the resentment, you would not have a resentment. ‘Live and let live’ is a common motto used. If your resentment is towards the self, then see it for what it points to - to change by accepting, forgiving, and to move on to better things.

Letting go of judgement

Letting go of judgement really takes a shift in perspective. There is no way of knowing every aspect of a person^. And without knowing everything about someone, you can’t possibly understand the reason for their actions. So why not open to that fact? Why waste your energy judging?
- G. Jampolsky

^ Beside 'people', there is also no way of knowing every aspect of a place, thing, situation, or attitude.

3. Forgiveness

The unforgiving mind rigidly sees the past and future as the same, and is resistant to change. It does not want the future to be different from the past. The unforgiving mind sees itself as innocent and others as guilty (resentment). It thrives on conflict and on being right, and it sees inner peace as its enemy. It perceives everything as separate.
- G. Jampolsky

Though we may feel separate from each other, forgiveness allows us to experience a sense of unity and at-one-ment with each other. Forgiveness is the process of letting go and overlooking whatever we thought other people may have done to us, or what we may have done to them. Forgiveness means correcting our misconception that the other person harmed us.

Forgiveness versus Forgetting

There is a difference between forgiveness and forgetting. Firstly, forgetting requires the brain to rearrange states of memory. Long-term memory is difficult to forget, it is part of our personal history, it is stored in memory, it is part of our make-up. So forgetting is not the issue, acceptance is more the factual thing to do. That is, to accept that certain memories are here to stay, they are part of personal history and are past events - they have no power in the present unless we allow our memory to gain power (to gain meaningfulness).

4. Steps to change (dealing with new resentments)

Whenever you feel uncomfortable in any way, ask yourself three simple questions:

[a] What is upsetting me? (What is not going MY way). You will find that it is something that has happened in the past, present, or fear of the future. Thoughts about the past and future disturb us the most. The key, then, is bringing the mind back to the present and really get into the moment of things.

[b] Why am I holding onto it? Everything we feel is a choice. So if you are feeling uncomfortable, there must be some value in it for you to hold onto it. You know that you can really let go of that feeling if you want to. Or, if you need to hold onto that feeling for awhile, that’s okay too.

[c] What do I really want? Most of us want peace of mind. Not peace at any price, but to be peaceful by shifting our perception on things. So that whenever we seem to get out of focus, we make a choice to pull back and say: "I want peace".

Whenever the occasion arises, read these pages again, and later on again, and so on. It takes awhile to fully understand the delusion of resentment. When you do, you will fully realise how self-serving, self-centred it really is. The awareness of being resentful will automatically change to understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance. Strangely enough, when you can accomplish these three changes, the sense of freedom experienced is something to look forward to.

Acceptance

"... acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment"
- Alcoholics Anonymous, 'The Big Book'.

Acceptance has always been a major issue in recovery from any addiction - including problem gambling. Here are a few problem gambling issues that need to be accepted.

  Accept your losses. What is lost is lost and cannot be recovered by gambling.
  For the problem gambler, accept that it is not possible to gamble in the controlled way that others do.
  Accept that it is possible to change with commitment, strategy, and effort.
  Accept that change can happen even if past attempts have failed.
  Accept that ‘the win’ is a delusion and can never adequately meet deep emotional needs ("I am worthy").
  Accept that abstinence from problem gambling is not known to have killed anyone - although it may be difficult at times.

Acceptance is:

Open-mindedness - allowing other than self to infiltrate the person you are. Open-minded is not the same as broad-minded. Broad-minded is being open-minded only to things accepted to you. Open-minded is having a mind receptive to new ideas. An attitude of inquiry. This cannot be done 100% - but one can work towards full inquiry.

To be in accordance with reality. Acceptance is when you do not try to overcome what is. You accept the things you cannot change. The word ‘try’ carries various feelings such as anger, worry, fear, fret, and resistance (defiance). The word ‘trying’ implies that you are struggling with indecision.

Acceptance creates the obvious. It is calm, clear, and obvious. It is open-minded to allow the appropriate solution, or action, to the problem - whatever that may be. It might mean that you do nothing. What ever it is, it is obvious.

Acceptance leads to ‘gratitude’. There is no gratitude in a person who is struggling to accept the way things are. A person who can accept reality becomes grateful for the serenity it brings.

When you accept, you are free to decide what to do in recovery. You will become aware of the appropriate action when you ask yourself: "What is the appropriate action for this person?".

When you accept, you feel the meaning behind the serenity prayer:

 

When you accept, the following clichés may become clearer to you.

  Easy does it
  How Important is it?
  It will pass
  Live & Let Live
  Let go, Let Common Sense. (Let go, Let God).

Acceptance carries with it the feelings of becoming honest with yourself. You may ask: "How can this be so if I am a master at self-deception"?

Acceptance carries an element of trust/faith. This trust stems from the notion that there is a power greater than yourself, that can lead you to change. By maintaining this notion/idea, a part of you will start relying on this power and become more aware of other than your own thoughts. You will start to become more aware of yourself. Your ‘common sense’ inner voice will become more noticeable to you. And you will be more aware of your ‘uncomfortable-self’, the non-accepting part of you. You become more honest with yourself because you become more realistic.

Acceptance is when you:

  are clear minded - seeing it for what it is. Non-judgemental (open-minded).
  know where you fit into the picture of things. Being realistic.
  are patient, relaxed, calm, and rational.
  know your options, free to choose those options, and not being

See:

• nrgs_worksheet_05.rtf 6 Kb
• nrgs_worksheet_06.rtf 6 Kb
• Adobe PDF Reader required, download it here...

Self-acknowledgment Techniques

Other techniques of becoming more aware of yourself:

Thinking out aloud - Much like reading out aloud to yourself it helps to clarify things. When thinking out aloud, a person not only thinks they know what they are thinking, but they hear it as well. This method helps you to hear your thoughts ‘as if’ hearing it from another person. Your tones and energies behind your voice also serve to indicate how you feel about those thoughts. Thinking out aloud helps you to be more aware of your part in what you are thinking about.

Tip. When experimenting with this technique: stand up straight, or sit up straight, to help you to think straight.

Self-talk - This is a powerful technique to use to overcome cravings to gamble. The idea is to talk out aloud to yourself while staying in the present time frame - not referring to your past or future. For example: if you have stopped gambling and you wish to stay stopped, then in reality, your true present situation is that you are not a gambler. By holding onto this reality you will be more effective in challenging your cravings.

When craving to gamble, start challenging it, with conviction/meaning, by saying out aloud something like this: "Gamble?!! Why would I want to gamble?!! I don’t even gamble. I am not a gambler. This is ridiculous!!"

Keep challenging in this way, with conviction, until your craving cancels out. The sooner you say it with conviction the sooner the cravings will lose reason to exist. When practising this technique, it is important not to refer to yourself to your past, as a person who has given up gambling, or a person who used to gamble - though personal history dictates differently. Also, experiment with your tone of voice to help you to become convinced (conviction).

Audio playback techniques - Tape record your self-talk, or when thinking out aloud, and play them back to yourself for self evaluation. It helps to keep these recordings for future hearing - to monitor your progress in thought changing (altering attitudes).